In
the Clouds
By
Mary
Anne Lewis
There
was a loud crash followed by a flash of lightning. I looked to the skies and
saw that the clouds appeared to be splitting as if trying to reveal something
hidden underneath. Another huge fork of lightning came from the cloud and the
rumble of thunder that came afterwards shook the house.
I
was mesmerised by the parting clouds. There were hues of pink and red
surrounded by blackness. The pink was gently swirling as if beckoning me in, I couldn’t
tear myself away. I wanted nothing more than to walk into the pinkness and lose
myself forever.
I
couldn’t even think about my responsibilities of a house, child and a wife. My
wife was leaving me anyway, not that she’d told me yet, but I’d heard her on
the telephone to her lover the night before telling him that she would be
telling me today. How apt that on the day my marriage was to end a massive
storm was raging overhead.
“Daddy,
I don’t like the noise,” whimpered Josh “Teddy doesn’t like it either.”
“It’s
ok,” I said picking him up, “look at all the beautiful clouds, they are all
pink.”
“Ugh,
pinks for girls,” laughed Josh.
Another
lightning flash came followed by yet another huge rumble. The storm was
directly overhead now. Rain and hail followed interspersed with rays of
sunlight and we could see a rainbow in the distance partly obscured by a black
cloud. The rainbow looked like it was fighting to get its bright colours seen.
“Mummy
said that the noise is God moving his furniture around and the lightning is the
angels turning the lights on and off,” said Josh “I think Mummy is silly. We
did it at school and it’s the hot and cold air smashing into each other.”
Josh
demonstrated this by smashing his fists together.
“Yes
you are absolutely right Josh. I think Mummy told you that as she didn’t
realise you were so grown up.” I replied. Josh got down and sat on the
windowsill trying to count the hail.
I
wondered if Susan would be taking Josh with her. Did her other man want a child
around? I didn’t want her to take Josh, I would cope and I had begun to put
things into place so I would be ready. Susan didn’t know this, she had no idea
that I knew about her bit on the side. I had known for months. She said she had
been going to the gym and one night I was passing and popped in. The
receptionist said she hadn’t been that night, so I went home. Susan had arrived
not long after dressed in her gym kit complaining that her back was aching from
the exercise. I had gone over to hug her and she had kept me at arm’s length
telling me she was sweaty and needed a shower. Now I know that was to shower
off the scent of another man.
Would
she tell me tonight once Josh was in bed? Would she leave tonight? I had
checked earlier and noticed a suitcase was packed and hidden at the back of our
wardrobe. She had spread some clothes out on the rail to make it look fuller. I
had checked drawers and found bits and pieces missing. I had checked Josh’s
room too, but hadn’t found anything missing as far as I knew, but she could
have already moved things out of his room whilst I was at work.
The
pink clouds were slowly being enveloped by the blackness surrounding them and
it made me feel as if I had missed an opportunity somehow.
Susan
called out to Josh that it was nearly bedtime. “I’m not going to be able to
sleep through this noise Daddy,” Josh said. “Well maybe listen to your IPod for
a while and then you won’t hear the thunder. You could finish listening to that
story about the dinosaurs that you like,” I suggested. “Good idea,” said Josh “Night
Daddy.”
“Goodnight
Mate,” I replied giving him a hug, “I love you.”
“Love
you too!” he sang as I walked out of the room.
Susan
went up to say goodnight and settle Josh into bed and then came downstairs to
make us a coffee. She sat next to me on the sofa and put her hand on my knee. I
noticed her hand looked gaunt and bruised and the veins looked very prominent.
She must have been putting some work in somewhere, maybe she was going to the
gym. She had lost weight too, a little too much although there was little
physical contact between us so I didn’t know for sure just how much.
“Phil
I need to tell you something and it’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever
had to tell you,” Susan said. I moved my leg and her hand fell to the sofa. I
wanted to scream that I knew and tell her to just go now, but I needed to know
why.
“Phil,
I’m dying,” she said. I was stunned. I gripped her arm and felt how thin it was
in my grasp.
“Stop
messing around Susan,” I replied. “Phil believe me if it wasn’t true I wouldn’t
say it. I found a lump a few months ago in my breast, but it was too late. It
had already spread and there’s nothing they can do. The pain is getting worse
and I don’t want to end up with you having to care for me. So I am booked on a
flight to Switzerland tomorrow, I’m going to one of those clinics to….”
“NO,
NO!” I shouted. “Phil please, you’ll disturb Josh.”
“You’re
not going Susan, I forbid it. There must be something they can do.” I cried.
“There’s
nothing. They offered me chemotherapy, but said it would give me a few extra
weeks if that. I’ve been having morphine and I go to the clinic to have this
checked.” She pulled down her t-shirt and I saw a tube going into her chest. I
struggled to remember the last time I had seen my wife naked and realised that
it must have been months ago and I hadn’t noticed. I began to sob, huge tears
fell from my eyes and onto the carpet. I pulled her to me and was shocked by
her frailty.
“Susan,
please no, don’t leave. We’ll manage, I’ll look after you, don’t do this.”
The
storm continued overhead rain lashing at the windows. “I have to Phil, I don’t
want you and Josh to see me die. I don’t want to become so ill that I don’t know
who you are. This way Josh will remember me like this.”
“No
Josh will remember that his Mummy left him while he was in bed and didn’t say
goodbye! I’ll be left to tell him that you died in a strange country with
strange people.”
“Phil,
please don’t. I wanted to make it easier for you.”
“Easier?
Firstly you don’t bother telling me you have cancer, then you casually announce
you’re dying and you’re off to Switzerland to bring it on quicker. You clearly
haven’t thought this through Susan.”
Susan
tried to pull me to her, I couldn’t bare it. I was angry, hurt, devastated and
sad all at once. I opened the French doors and stepped out into the rain.
After
about ten minutes Susan joined me with an umbrella. We talked and cried, but I
couldn’t change her mind. She told me she had written Josh a long letter
explaining everything and she had made him a memory book. She told me that
everything I would need was in the suitcase at the back of the wardrobe. It
contained information on her funeral, clothes she wanted to be buried in, all
our household accounts and the dates bills needed to be paid. She had written
down dates for parents evenings and when and where to buy Josh’s school things.
There were also letters for her Mum and family.
We
stood together in the garden. I held my Susan tight making up for the times I
hadn’t. The clouds parted again revealing their bright pink hue.
“If
you need me Phil, I’ll be there,” Susan said looking up to the clouds.
“I
know,” I said.
The End
This
remains the intellectual property of MARY ANNE LEWIS
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